Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
