Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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