I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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