It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
