Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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