I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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