Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
