Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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