I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
