my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
