my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There's always time for handjobs
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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