I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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