you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
