You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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