Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
did i walk over a car last night?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
