I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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