the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
