the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
