you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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