Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The Olympian is in my bed
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
