My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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