im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
