I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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