New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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