my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
