I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My bed smells like the plague
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
