just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
