I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
