I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
