You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You can't motorboat a personality
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
