you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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