he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
