He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's never too late to be topless.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
