Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
