Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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