Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
