just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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