My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
