I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
