My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
In America we eat man semen.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize