I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
