Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
