apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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