Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
