My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
