Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
