His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
