First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
