For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
