the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
