You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
