Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
