I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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