the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
