Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
