That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
