so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
