What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
