nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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