You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I think my fart just growled at me.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
